anatomy of 30 for 30 freestyle… yeah, it’s more than what you think, it’s part of a heartless hour alone———— Audio included
People who know me in real life would probably know that I would quote an author someone like Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Shakespeare, something within these lines because it sounds serious or maybe someone would take it seriously, to be very honest I love reading those things for myself that makes me happy, knowledge brings happiness, reading brings happiness, but sometimes we need to get a point across to someone else maybe that's not their cup of tea… when you try to explain something about a lot of things that you're going through most people wouldn't get it if it was too complex, I'm also one of those people who relate to things that are closer to the heart than just complex and sophisticated at times because it's realistic.
All types of writings, all types of songs, all types of poems always hold value or some kind of perspective, I think it was about 8 years ago or 9 not certain to be honest but Drake yes Drake dropped an album titled “what a time to be alive”.
The most interesting fact is that the last track of that album made so much sense it's called “30 for 30 freestyle” the first time I heard it I wasn't even planning on to listen to, it just popped up and then there were some verses or freestyle rapping as they say that not only hit a chord and not only resonated with me ,but changed a lot of things and it opened my eyes on things I was so blind about.
One of the lines was “and your absence is really concerning it's like you went on a vacation with no planning’ on returnin”, I still remember my initial reaction, it's a combination of someone pouring hot water, boiling water from the top of my head and my heart sank at the same time because they're related to certain events and I hope you never go through it, but if you have, well here's the anatomy of it, when someone you love be it your family one of your friends or even someone you've loved or actually truly applies on anybody that means anything to you, means a lot at this point. the fact of “leaving” it's about the part of your life is missing a person your life and I do understand and I know a lot of people say I “am enough and I don't need someone in my life to make me full enough or complete” but in all honesty there are some people in our lives do complete us and not necessarily it has to be just a significant other, there could be a bunch of people because the idea is the same and the idea is when one person leaves or goes to a holiday or say they’re busy, or has something to do and tells you or comforts you with the fact that they are coming around within five days or a week or 10 days and then you start wondering after the 10 days where on earth are they? you call from your side, you ask from your side, but nothing happens and every time you get a new extension of time so the 10 days become 15 days and so on until somewhere in your heart and in your mind you feel that there is something not right, not right settling within you most likely we think that have I done something? have I said something? is it real? are they really busy or am I just freaking out because I have anxiety issues or is it the fact that they just take your existence in their lives for granted and they know that you would understand no matter what the waiting period? is it that waiting is what's making you anxious the fact that you prepare yourself that these preparedness that you will go through this for one more day, or one more week and then the week is gone and then you have to start another one. the wait itself is exhausting and emotionally draining somehow it paralyzes a certain aspect in our lives, and you don't want to sound too weak to somebody, be to a brother, a mother, a friend , a significant other, you don't want to “sound” like you're dependent, “sound” and be very mindful of this word, don't want to sound that you're concerned, maybe you are concerned about them or maybe you're concerned about are they just gone and gone doesn't mean they're going to disappear but they're gone somewhere in soul and spirit and mind or you guys are going in different ways and you're taking different paths in life.
that wait is exhausting… it even hurts more probably if it's someone you know and someone you know is around but they're just not there anymore not that they have disappeared… you at least have a closure, no, it's just that they're still around and some people you can't just ditch or throw away, but they're still around and they are just not there as if the body exists but the brain and the soul and the mind is not there anymore, and you try and probably you also know that you are doing things wrong and you try to adjust, but my God ! some loves and some feelings and some loyalties hurt so much because you love them so much and you need them so much and life isn't complete without them. If anyone thinks that's such a weakness coming out of me, saying this it isn’t really a weakness. The weakness is pretending like it's not real and acting like nothing happened. I remember a couple of times in my life I experienced this with different relations, there was an extension of time because people just take it for granted if you are patient. people will and because you keep up and you allow things to happen to you ,they just keep on happening and continue to happen to you if you say that you understand too much most likely the outcome would be this, or maybe I'm just pessimistic, or maybe I'm just reflecting whatever is going on in my mind or as they say projecting, others you would be in a different place and it's a relative and they'd be coming in in five days and guess what a delay of one hour or a delay of one day because of flights, my God their absence is just crazy and you feel like that one day changes everything and it feels like an eternity to you and that happens in other form of absence, some people are “planning a vacation with no plan of returning” that sentence or verse is that you're around someone, a family member your mum and you take her existence for granted and probably she's thinking that that your absence is really concerning because she can see you and you can see her and you all see each other one way or another but somehow you do not connect, don't communicate at least you didn't give it to all and tried because it is difficult in life to regret that feeling and to be filled with concerns.
One of my closest friends of the longest time has and it's still the same effect, if she is gone, she says that she's travelled, her five days are multiplied to the to 10 if she isn't around something is not right. speaking about right in the same song there's a verse that says the following “we are supposed to forget your mistakes but not forget about you” , the entire point of a true bond with somebody is that you genuinely forget their mistakes but (not to forget about you) sometimes we think that because we forgot someone’s mistake it automatically means that we should forget about them and it's not right at all and sometimes I'm guilty of it, you're guilty of it and sometimes other people are guilty of it for exercising it on us, and that would be our reply and also it's a feeling applied exactly to the same people of the example that I just said or written, the idea of waiting and the idea of not forgetting goes hand in hand in our stability, goes hand in hand in our emotional development especially if the nature of your life is not so stable you keep on looking for a home but all what you find is a house.
Sometimes expressing your emotions, specifically concerns of you, is are you right or are you there or are you not there for me or are you here for me and vice versa. from someone else it could break the most solid are not break let me rephrase, so I don't get crucified for it, makes you uncertain and anxious it's like you're always on the edge of something and once you're on the edge (by the way) and walking on egg shells and you are afraid that someone has forgotten about you, and have forgotten about a promise ohh you've been waiting for too long then that's not the right feeling at all, that's not a healthy relation to begin with, and for clarifications sake when I say waiting I don't mean that you wait for the extra hour or a day or two, no, that specific wait and we all know it deep in our hearts it's so concerning but we're so afraid to even letting it sink in and dive deep into that emotion because we would worry that we would listen to something that might be true or might not be true so we're assuming an emotion but then the problem is all the signs are there and you wonder what and when will be next.
Waiting you think it only ends with people or begins with them, no, people shared those funny memes or videos online about us when we buy something online and your package has been shipped then you wait and track it and track it until there's no tracking left that's a human nature when we were waiting we're filled with anxiety and this excitement to be negative or positive to know when will it arrive whatever you're looking for or whatever you're waiting for to be more specific it's like that one phone call you know that the plane has landed and you're on the other side waiting ohh you're the one who's on the flight and someone else's waiting and you already know how they look like and you already feel so happy but sometimes on purpose you become absent because you want to avoid that emotion of being overwhelmed.
If you have a bond that is meaningful and you have someone whom you miss so much and they miss you too and while you're alive because what a time to be alive, tell them, but not to the level that you lose your entire dignity and self-worth don't be a complete psychopath don't be weird, be honest about your emotions the wait is so hard and harder on your heart waiting is so heavy and if someone gets close to you be it a person or two those are the people that keep you going, tell them… tell them once, twice, thrice but you will know where is the limit, because if someone doesn't get it then that's that, but don't let that concern consume you as it did me and at the very end, and in the last line of the song it says “I'm still around ain't I?” and that's the truth, I'm still around ain't I …..because they never left and I still continue to wait because there are people who are worth the wait maybe they're not worth saying it to their faces that they're worth the wait, but at least you know in your heart it is and it's OK if it's not normal or if it did not work out or they don't see that in you, because you keep it together and you keep these things to yourself but trust me if someone is good they will come back to their senses.
Don't make someone wait with anxiety while you are just having fun somewhere else, don't give a false promise that you cannot fulfill and let you lead the person on with false hope and no it's not about significant others only, it applies on so many things in life, appreciate the small people or the small acts of people that are around you to keep you in check and you hold them dear to your heart and so close to it, and you protect them they don't know that but some of them would know this, that people are worth ditching forget about the people who are supposed to be forgetful but forget their mistakes forget their little mishaps forget their little stubbornness but never forget about them because they add some sparkle if they are not sparkle itself in life.
Be easy on yourself and not because you went through all of this suddenly you start to become so cold to add everything else and so guarded and then you become genuinely afraid of expressing any emotion, be good and loving be forgiving don't keep tabs on someone, don't keep tabs on the ones that you hold them so dear in your heart but at the same time love and care is supposed to be filled with dignity remember part of that dignity is not making you feel anxious about the wait to begin with, love and dignity is to be there without asking you to be there and vice versa.
Here we are to everyone who was there during the absence and who I wasn't there in their absence this goes out to you ,this is a solid effort it was worth it all and will continue to be worthy of it all and you are loved you're cared for and because it's so sacred why should I degrade you by waiting too much with no explanation? one day we would all miss this feeling so much, the genuine feeling of love and care of the wait when someone asks them they waited for you, they love you, your mother loves you, your soul sister loves you, your brother checked in and checked out and checked in again loves you and what loves you back love it 10 times more because if you reached this far that means you already know how to read people who will hurt you and who will keep you.
PS: thank you for reading this and thank you for listening to this in the audio below I appreciate all your presence and I will continue to improve and change hopefully become the the person who I partially was or the person who I want to be and that person in my core is, more forgiving towards herself I hope all of you don't go through the waiting I hope you become happy I hope you are happy to begin with, if you went through this I'm so sorry but it's OK when one door closes another door opens thank you again kindly please sign up to stay updated follow me on Instagram and share your thoughts or your experiences or if you agree or disagree it would mean a lot to me thank you.
