The Book Of Randoms- Part 1- Audio included

A blurred picture, a blurred vision, a so very blurred life at times.

This is the exact reason how I ended up here, not sure if it’s a good thing, but I’m doing it anyways.

Here goes nothing!

Hello everyone and anyone wherever you are however you are

I am so glad you are here, or I hope that you are somehow happy somehow intrigued somehow invested in reading the following.

The majority of people always say time heals or time makes things easier and the advanced people in life, the more enlightened people, the very positive people, the people who I don't know how they make it to be honest, say “one day you will remember that painful memory but without feeling anything , you will remember it as an incident and that's it”.

I couldn't find any form of healing in time nor comfort and with the whole idea of “let's just disconnect the incident from the emotion and one day we will look at it as if nothing happened” never worked for me so far. I hope it will, but I don't think it will any time soon.

I don't care! it's my heart and I will not put on a show just so I would be accepted and you would be accepted into the new template that the world is trying to push and push and keeps on pushing you to be the best version of yourself and only God knows what is the best version of yourself,  because when we think about it a long time ago it was about learning things acquiring skills seeking knowledge getting in shape for God's sake seeing things being curious being creative and now it's all about hide everything that it is battering your heart blistering your heart because God forbid anyone sees that crack, and then, they will say “well it was your choice wasn't it?” because the template nowadays is all about positive energy and my God this positive energy and positive mindset is so toxic to begin with.

I became so afraid of sharing anything negative cause maybe the world will judge it in my head?  Am I imagining that the world is becoming so demanding of being healthy not towards myself (by the way) but towards others, people only “want the best for you” that's how it starts, but then it goes on with unnecessary requirements of happiness and being joyful.

You're probably wondering why I'm saying all of this and what on earth has time and what people think and the positive energy narrative has to do with all of it ? ….I'll tell you,  I have just recently realized that in one area (not all) but in one specific area the matters of the heart the heart keeps registering every incident and every needle every scratch and every stab and every painful branding that was never necessary.

When it comes to people who are active in our lives or were active in our lives our families, Our friends, people we used to know, people that crossed our path they all left something, some wounds inflicted are worse than others, however it made me somehow aggressive and sometimes very very guarded and all because I went through personal experiences that did not end well.

 There is a whimsical place (it’s a real place by the way) where people love to batter your heart on purpose and then when you think you can depend on a greater family, guess what? that family doesn't get it because they already joined the team of the death camp, the torture camp in the end you can't always run away you can't always be in fear and having a sense of doom but what do I do?

Families, extended families those are horrible people if they do not accept you and do not accept your entire family just because you are not one of them (whatever one of them means in their heads) all of you are condemned.

Your own blood does this and no! it's not just me, I see it reflected well with my family and it caused inner conflicts because of the constant hate, smear campaigns, prejudice and racism.

It becomes a bigger problem that is realising that all of this is abnormal and inhumane starts looking at you and you start to say “it's normal” unfortunately.

 we cannot normalize abnormal behavior so the circle started growing from family to extended family ,people we used to know who loved to enjoy what they do which is to spread fear and terror and they're baseline of everything is blackmail, blackmail of you, blackmail of your thoughts blackmail, of your ethnicity and using terror and intimidation just to get what they want.

sometimes what they want actually most of the time is your attention which was denied not because you’re a mean person is because you have your own battles to fight and then second of all some people you just don't get along with but they make it personal and when they make it personal they use all the horrible torture tools as if we are in the Middle Ages, all what it's left is to take you and burn you to the stake like a witch.

Sometimes I think I should just say sorry and go on which I used to do, I'm a person who says sorry so I used to say sorry  so many times that I actually forgot the meaning of it.

I don't know what I'm sorry for any more, I don't know what the word sorry means anymore, but now I understand that I am just an angry person that time didn't make it go away and didn't heal and I don't fit the template of let's just make it a positive space in this world but at the same time I do not wish any harm on any one, but how the hell do people say stay positive when there are the same people who are causing such pain and inflicting pain and there is no court of feelings, I wish there would be a day that the world will witness it , and this is not for the people who are so sensitive these days and excuse me for saying that, because actually sometimes people are too sensitive and when I say too sensitive I mean if you say I don't like purple people act all offended for some weird reason but if we open a court with lawyers and evidence and cross examine for all the wrongdoings that happened to a person, don't you  think it would be fairer than just walking around and shoving the idea that time will heal or the ideal narrative of just be positive and get over yourself ?

ohh ohh look at people around you, ohh look how wonderful people are, look how smiley they are the real question is but how do you feel at night? and who are you when noone is around ?

Time? Really? The list is so long unfortunately the list is real with proof with evidence with pictures and everything you want is there right there, it's not a made-up scenario it is not a sense of sensitivity, it's not making it personal scenario cause how come it's personal if it's a collective problem and after all of this, the audacity of asking how are you after all of this by the same people!

So dear time and dear positive energy group you know nothing and you make me sick.

The silver lining however of all this madness and these battles and yes we are all remnants of war but a couple of good things came out 1- I'm slightly better at reading people. 2- I know when to hold my cards and went to fold them.  3- I'm not alone.  4- I know deep in my heart their day will come and my day will come. 5- Intimidation and belittling should be a crime against humanity.  6- I am not ashamed to say I do hope you get exactly what you gave actually sometimes I say even worse than that when I am riled and angered.  7- Sometimes everything must go so you would know what to keep.

My first blog was supposed to be about something entirely different, somehow not too far away from it though, but that was my Halloween night my Halloween thoughts and my Halloween realization and for the record I have always wanted to go to a Halloween party I've never been in my life ever but that's on me actually.

Ohh well it was scary after all yesterday slightly today and maybe tomorrow, However here I am wondering in my moment of death will I be forgiven for all of this? Will I be angry? Do you have any answers?

My mother always says I forgive way too fast so does my brother it's the emotion that sticks with me at the end of the day and at the end of my life I think I will be thinking about if I am forgiven.

P.S:

Until next time, thank you very much for reading this.

THE DATES ARE WRONG- NOVEMBER 2nd, 2024